Smokers

As if you couldn't tell by now, I have one or two pet peeves.  I don't let them get to me, I simply write about them in a blog that nobody reads....Okay, not "nobody"- cool people read it, that's all that really matters. 

Today, as I was driving to do some field work as an Environmental Specialist, I observed a haggard bitch in an SUV next to me take a puff of her Virginia Slim and drop the butt out the window.  Now, if you live in this area, you know that Pinellas County is surrounded by water.  Everything dumped into the streets goes directly into the Gulf of Mexico.  Every single stormwater runoff drain along the street has a placard on it clearly stating, "Only rain down the drain".  I know this because I was a volunteer that worked hard on my weekends to affix those signs to the drains.  Anyways, this did not make me happy.  I didn't work my ass off in the sun, for a volunteer agency that no longer exists, to have some bitch throw her butt on MY sign.  Being the professional I am, though, I just grumbled about it under my breath and decided to blog about it tonight. 

I look at it this way: You throwing that cigarette butt from your window is tantamount to me taking a bag of garbage and dumping it in your front yard.  Does that piss you off?  Well then, quit throwing your fucking cigarette butts on the ground, you pig!  The world is not your ashtray.  Nor does the world owe you any favors.  Cigarette filters are made of plastic fibers that can take up to ten years to decompose.  I know that doesn't mean anything to you, since you obviously don't care about yourself, or anyone around you, but have some accountability for your actions, you smelly dirtbag. 

And since I'm on the subject of you not caring about anything else around you...Let's talk about the smokers who take twenty five smoke breaks a day at the office.  You don't see me going outside every fifteen minutes for a fresh-air break, so what gives you that sense of entitlement?  Maybe if you'd concentrate on your work as hard as you concentrate on performing fellatio on that cancer stick, you would be caught up on your work instead of whining about it over a cigarette. 
Why do you smokers find it necessary to congregate at the entry/exit of every public building?  We voted to put you outside because we couldn't stand the smell of that shit.  What makes you think we enjoy walking through a haze of it whenever we enter or exit a building.  How would you smokers like it if, every time someone had to fart, they ran to the entrance of the building to do it?  Sucks, right?  Well, get used to it, because the next time I walk by a group of hacking, wrinkly old broads, I'm gonna let it rip. 

It's also great that you care so much about your children.....Oh, that's right, you don't.  I love seeing pregnant women smoking.  You're not selfish at all, and you totally deserve to be a mother.  After all, you are setting great examples of self control and concern for your (and other people's) well being already.  You're also proving your intelligence.  Babies LOVE the smell of second-hand smoke.  So go ahead, pop out another low-birth-weight baby.  Why not drink some Jack Daniel's and snort a few lines, while you're at it?  The foster care system loves babies with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. 

If you're a smoker, you really piss me off.  Bad.  I mean, seriously?  Are you that dumb to not utilize the free resources out there to help you quit?  I have seen the homeless panhandling cash on the side of the road, yet they always have a pack of cigarettes with them.  Here's a thought....quit smoking and use that cash you're saving to buy a bar of soap and a razor and go to the day labor place.  They do hire more than just "undocumented citizens", you know.

Who are you fooling by rolling your car windows down an inch so the smoke blows out the window?Good thinking.  Nobody will EVER know you smoke in your car.

I had best not hear another smoker bitch about being broke. I'm getting tired of my bills going up because it has to cover your nasty ass.  I saw a guy in a bar I was inspecting.  He had a hole in his trachea, yet he was still smoking.  Good thing medicare paid a gazillion dollars for that trach tube so you could blow cool smoke rings out of it.

Smokers, you smell putrid.  All the time.  Just because your sense of smell stopped working after you had the tumors removed from your sinuses, doesn't mean you don't stink.  So when you light up your next cig, just remember, you are awesome.

Storm

Okay, okay.  I know my post content is continually riddled with facetiousness.  It will be once again.  I just had to take a moment to remember a special friend. 

Storm Fox had a heart of gold and a smile that could light up a room.  His loving nature made him hard to dislike.  Storm never met a person that wasn't his friend.  He always offered a reassuring word when times got tough, and gave the best bear hugs known to mankind.  His loyalty to his friends is evidenced by the longevity of his relationships with them, and his family was always priority. 

Storm's wittiness and sense of humor, even in the darkest moments, put everything into perspective.  Nothing got by Storm, and a laugh from the soul was always guaranteed when he was present. 

Storm never judged, and always made everyone feel as though they'd known him for lifetimes before.  My life is better because I was lucky enough to have known him.

Storm passed away on Saturday, June 18th.  Just as he was an angel here on earth, he is now an angel smiling upon us.  Until we meet again, my friend, you will be missed.