Although I don't particularly care to delve into my personal comings and goings-on, I decided that this was much too entertaining not to write about.
After being shit canned by someone I spent years loving and trying to build a relationship with, I decided to try to step back into the world of dating. As it turns out, I've been way out of the scene for longer than I thought. Let's put it this way, I am socially awkward, and finding a mate is not high on my priority list. Call me a bitch if you will. Guys are dumb. And my friends are awesome. I have them, what more could I possibly want? After my recent experiences, I've decided I was right. Even the friend who suggested Tinder. I still love her. Bitch.
Let me explain what Tinder is and how it works. Tinder is an app that uses a series of carefully hand- selected- by- you photos. One is set as your profile picture, much like Facebook. Using the wonders of modern technology, you can then set your "standards" by age and distance from your current location. Once that is established, VOILA! Idiots magically appear like unicorns. You can scroll through the profile photos, swiping the photos left if you're not interested, and right if they are a potential piece of meat. If someone right-swipes your photo, and you right-swipe theirs, BOOM!! You have a match and the fireworks go off and confetti falls from the sky as Celine Dion plays softly in the background. Okay, that doesn't happen. What does happen, however, is a drastic instantaneous depletion of your self esteem and faith in humanity.
I am typically in bed by 9:30-10:00. Even on weekends. It appears as though Tinder has operating hours that only make the app run between the hours of 12:00AM to 4:00AM. Or at least that's how it appears when I wake up at 5:30AM with ten new messages from 3:10AM asking what I'm doing. I'm sleeping, DUH. Because it's 3:10AM. What I do find entertaining, is that Tinder appears to be the Wal-Mart of the dating world. Allow me to elaborate.
There are the guys whose profile photos are selfies (a word I hate) taken in the gym mirror. Good for you, Mr. Universe. You went to the gym once. Probably long enough to strategically place artificial sweat lines on your obligatory sleeveless tattooed arms, and snap a photo. And while on this subject...Nobody cares that you are lifting a 900lb barbell. Oh, you do Cross-fit? You're my perfect match! I can't wait to push you around in the wheelchair you're most likely going to end up sporting following your spine-crushing snatch. Let's grab a coffee.
There's Mr. Every Photo I Take Shows Me Partying. Always has a drink in hand, usually his mouth agape from most likely yelling, "WOOOO!" Party on, man. Party on.
There's Mr. I Have Tribal Tattoos on My Bicep. No explanation needed. NEXT!
There's Mr. Fisherman. We live in Florida. We are surrounded by water. Who hasn't fished here?
There's Mr. Pilot. Apparently, they allow anyone to fly planes. Or at least wear headsets and sit in the cockpit...which is even more terrifying.
There's Mr. I Love My Dog. Well played, Mr. Well played. But you're still not getting in my pants.
There's Mr. World Traveler. AKA Mr. I Photoshopped Myself So I Look Like I'm Riding A Rhinoceros in Africa.
There's Mr. Adventure. I don't ride roller coasters. I also don't base jump. I'm not impressed that you do. NEXT.
There's Mr. I Drive a Fancy Car And I'm Going to Take My Photo With It. I hope your prostitute fits nicely in that tiny passenger seat, because that's all the companionship you're going to find.
Lastly, Mr. Can I Have Your Number? My response (true story): No, but here is the number for Papa John's. Because who doesn't love pizza?
I'm sure I missed a few. I jumped ship. Turns out, I'm not cut out for the dating scene. I'm okay with that.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Let's Get Physical, Physical!
Well folks, it's time for a motivational "rant". I am primarily doing this to hold myself accountable (selfish, I know). But many of you are in the same boat, asking for assistance from the self-proclaimed two best trainers in the world (me and Julia Zammito, duh). So I decided to write about it, emphasizing my recent temporary conversion to "the dark side".
I recently went under the knife. Enough said. This is key point #1. I refuse to dwell on illness, this only makes you feel worse than you actually are. Your mind/body and soul are amazing vessels. I am a big believer in "what you think, you become". I believe this is true not only with our health, but with all other aspects of our being. More than likely, if you dwell on an illness, no matter how great or small, you're feeding energy into that illness. It's fine to acknowledge that you may not feel that great, but leave it at that and focus your energy on what you can do to heal. Rest. Our bodies have this crazy ability to say, "hey! you're going to be tired and fatigued now, so go lay down so we can kick this illness in the butt." Yes, our bodies talk to us, if you would just listen to it, life would be much easier.
Getting back to my first sentence: Because I knew I was going under the knife, I mentally prepared. I decided to make this my one month I took a break from actually working out and running. With that, I also decided to be a little more lax with my eating habits. I knew what the consequences would be, but I needed to focus my energy on healing.
I am in week three of not working out and eating completely clean, and I am disgusting. I have gained 8 pounds. I feel like I've lost my muscle tone. My clothes don't fit right, and my hands and feet are swollen like sausages. Okay, the last part is probably a side effect of the hormone replacement therapy, but still...
It's time to get my shit together and whip my big ass back into shape. Here is my to-do list to get me there. Hopefully this motivates and assists others as well. This is no "secret cure", these are tried and true guidelines that most excellent trainers/athletes follow. You've seen it a million times, I'm just here to re-iterate it:
1. Clean out your damned refrigerator/pantry/secret stash of garbage food. By garbage food, I'm referring to anything that doesn't have wholesome ingredients. What the hell is polyunsaturatedmonoglyceride terthallate? I don't know. It probably doesn't belong in your body if you can't pronounce it, though. Know what you can pronounce? Carrots. Two syllables. Easy enough. Read your labels. Keep it simple. Pure, wholesome, unprocessed is what your body needs. Not monosulfidioushepaiamgoingtomakeyoudieaslowdeath. Stay away from bleached products. Even some of your "healthy" dark wheat breads are made with bleached flour and re-dyed. And while we are on the subject - why the hell are you eating bread?
2. Not all carbohydrates are bad. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who hasn't eaten any carbs in a long time? Yeah, it's like talking to a tree with Alzheimer's. Good carbs IN MODERATION assist with brain function. Just make sure you're getting them IN MODERATION early enough in the day that you're able to burn them off. Otherwise, you'll continue to look like you're giving birth to a giraffe.
3. Hold yourself accountable. Put your workouts on your calendar.
4. Find a support group. This could be a group of friends all sharing a common goal. I'm lucky enough to have my boot camp girls to keep my chunky ass on track. Peer pressure works. Believe me. Check in with this group often. Send them photos of the food you're eating. If it's bad, they should belittle you and criticize you. Just kidding. But they should support you and help you stay on track.
5. You need cardio and weight training to reach your goals. One or the other just isn't going to cut it.
6. Push yourself, but know your limits. This is another reason why personal training, boot camp and fitness classes (NOT CROSS FIT) are so great. A real, certified trainer will help you reach your goals in a safe manner. I mean, seriously, what are you ever going to gain in life by lifting a 500lb barbell once? You need something feasible that is going to help your mobility, strength, endurance, flexibility, and overall well being. Think you can't afford a certified personal trainer? Let me put this into perspective: you can pay a trainer now to achieve your goals and feel the best you've ever felt, or you can pay for doctor's bills, medications, surgeries, and missed work later. The choice is yours. Invest wisely.
7. There's no time like the present. You can't change what you did yesterday, but you are in full control of your life today. Hooray! A fresh start! Now go do something good for your health!
I recently went under the knife. Enough said. This is key point #1. I refuse to dwell on illness, this only makes you feel worse than you actually are. Your mind/body and soul are amazing vessels. I am a big believer in "what you think, you become". I believe this is true not only with our health, but with all other aspects of our being. More than likely, if you dwell on an illness, no matter how great or small, you're feeding energy into that illness. It's fine to acknowledge that you may not feel that great, but leave it at that and focus your energy on what you can do to heal. Rest. Our bodies have this crazy ability to say, "hey! you're going to be tired and fatigued now, so go lay down so we can kick this illness in the butt." Yes, our bodies talk to us, if you would just listen to it, life would be much easier.
Getting back to my first sentence: Because I knew I was going under the knife, I mentally prepared. I decided to make this my one month I took a break from actually working out and running. With that, I also decided to be a little more lax with my eating habits. I knew what the consequences would be, but I needed to focus my energy on healing.
I am in week three of not working out and eating completely clean, and I am disgusting. I have gained 8 pounds. I feel like I've lost my muscle tone. My clothes don't fit right, and my hands and feet are swollen like sausages. Okay, the last part is probably a side effect of the hormone replacement therapy, but still...
It's time to get my shit together and whip my big ass back into shape. Here is my to-do list to get me there. Hopefully this motivates and assists others as well. This is no "secret cure", these are tried and true guidelines that most excellent trainers/athletes follow. You've seen it a million times, I'm just here to re-iterate it:
1. Clean out your damned refrigerator/pantry/secret stash of garbage food. By garbage food, I'm referring to anything that doesn't have wholesome ingredients. What the hell is polyunsaturatedmonoglyceride terthallate? I don't know. It probably doesn't belong in your body if you can't pronounce it, though. Know what you can pronounce? Carrots. Two syllables. Easy enough. Read your labels. Keep it simple. Pure, wholesome, unprocessed is what your body needs. Not monosulfidioushepaiamgoingtomakeyoudieaslowdeath. Stay away from bleached products. Even some of your "healthy" dark wheat breads are made with bleached flour and re-dyed. And while we are on the subject - why the hell are you eating bread?
2. Not all carbohydrates are bad. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who hasn't eaten any carbs in a long time? Yeah, it's like talking to a tree with Alzheimer's. Good carbs IN MODERATION assist with brain function. Just make sure you're getting them IN MODERATION early enough in the day that you're able to burn them off. Otherwise, you'll continue to look like you're giving birth to a giraffe.
3. Hold yourself accountable. Put your workouts on your calendar.
4. Find a support group. This could be a group of friends all sharing a common goal. I'm lucky enough to have my boot camp girls to keep my chunky ass on track. Peer pressure works. Believe me. Check in with this group often. Send them photos of the food you're eating. If it's bad, they should belittle you and criticize you. Just kidding. But they should support you and help you stay on track.
5. You need cardio and weight training to reach your goals. One or the other just isn't going to cut it.
6. Push yourself, but know your limits. This is another reason why personal training, boot camp and fitness classes (NOT CROSS FIT) are so great. A real, certified trainer will help you reach your goals in a safe manner. I mean, seriously, what are you ever going to gain in life by lifting a 500lb barbell once? You need something feasible that is going to help your mobility, strength, endurance, flexibility, and overall well being. Think you can't afford a certified personal trainer? Let me put this into perspective: you can pay a trainer now to achieve your goals and feel the best you've ever felt, or you can pay for doctor's bills, medications, surgeries, and missed work later. The choice is yours. Invest wisely.
7. There's no time like the present. You can't change what you did yesterday, but you are in full control of your life today. Hooray! A fresh start! Now go do something good for your health!
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