I Hate

Inspired by my favorite radio show "Cowhead", and as seen on Tosh.0, "I hate" seems to be an easy and common theme.  I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon.  Disclaimer: Don't think for one second that I'm not grateful for all the good in my life.  This just make for easy writing.  I want to thank someone very special to me for contributing to this.  He never ceases to make me laugh.  You know who you are:)

I hate "in loving memory" stickers on cars.  Putting your third-cousin's best friend's name and date of birth and death is not going bring that person back from the dead. Seriously, everyone knows someone who has died.  It's part of living. Get over it. 

I hate the keyboard on my laptop.  It skips letters that I type.  Frequently.  If you see typos, it's not because I'm an idiot, it's because my computer was made in America by someone who doesn't speak english.

I hate finding a dog running loose.  It becomes my obligation to ensure that dog is taken care of.  I either have to capture the dog and bring it home until I find it's rightful owner, help the owner track the dog down, or wait with the dog until animal control arrives. Either way, my plans for the day are fucked. 

I hate tattoos.  I have yet to see a picture of ANYTHING, ever, that I like enough to scar it into my skin permanently.  I can't take people who have them seriously.  Especially if it's an "in loving memory" tattoo (see # 1).  If you feel the need to have one, put it somewhere that can be hidden easily (like your ass).  And could someone please tell me why it's not attractive to have a huge birthmark on your face, but a tattoo is "sexy" ? Exactly.  No difference.  Neck tats are the worst.  Really?  You have to have all seventeen of your kid's names drilled into your neck?  Just look at their birth certificate if you can't remember their names.  Or stop having kids.  That's always an option. 

I hate Tommy Bahama.  Tommy Bahama translates into, "Dumbass, you really overpaid for this cotton t-shirt".  And wearing Tommy Bahama apparrel does not make you a boat captain, or Jimmy Buffett.  You're just some douche who is trying to impress people with your ignorance of overspending.  News flash: a small child in a sweat shop in Nicaragua just died.  Enjoy your expensive shirt.

I hate "watch out for motorcycles" bumper stickers.  Thanks for the reminder.  I will try not to T-bone one while I'm reading your bumper sticker.

I hate "baby on board" stickers.  Thanks for letting me know.  I will try not to cuss when I get road rage and punch you in the throat.  I'd hate for your baby to hear me swear.

I hate people who listen to music on their phones in public with no ear phones.  Nobody else wants to hear Lil Weezy while grocery shopping (okay, actually, I do).  Get some ear buds. 

I hate the person in line in front of me in a deli who is ordering for the entire office of 350 employees.  307 of which have food allergies and special requests. 

I hate when people fall asleep in meetings, I look at them, they wake up, and get mad at me for staring at them.  It's funny.  You drool.

I hate when I'm conversing with someone, they fart loudly, and carry on the conversation like nothing happened.  I'm going to laugh.  Don't expect me not to notice.  I'm like, 8 years old.

I hate that Moose waits until there's five people watching him before he takes a dump.  That's a great conversation starter.

I hate Salt Life stickers and Guy Harvey products.  This stuff used to be awesome.  Until people who have never seen a fish outside of a kaiser roll, got a hold of them. 

I hate bicyclists who ride in herds down Gulf Blvd. and expect you to drive behind them.  Your shirts are dumb.  And expensive.  This isn't the Tour De France. You're not being sponsored to go on Sunday joy rides. Wear a regular t-shirt.  They're cheaper, and if I run you over, they're easier to replace once they're blood stained.

I hate that the Jehova's Witnesses sent me a hand written envelope containing a promotional flyer for Jesus.  I didn't realize Jesus had a promoter now.  And if you're going to try to recruit me, spell my name correctly, stupid.

I hate people on Facebook that post religion - based statuses.  That's great, but I'm pretty sure God isn't checking his facebook account all that often.  If you're trying to suck up and get into the "pearly gates", try doing good in your community, not just preaching bible verses.  If I want to read that, I'll pick up a bible. 

I hate people who take me seriously.  Life is too short.  Pull the stick out of your ass and laugh a bit.  It feels good.  And if you are offended by my last "I hate", get over it.  Jesus obviously has a sense of humor.  I mean, look around.  Even God is laughing.

Mud Butt

Please understand that nothing I say or write is ever serious.  I truly feel like the luckiest and most blessed girl on earth.  I understand that on Facebook, many people have issues with my posts. If you think I'm stupid enough to be serious about anything I post on a virtual meat market, you have issues. To my understanding, Facebook was designed to reconnect distant friends and family, and in some instances, rekindle old flames (or flamers).   FB is also the perfect way to share big news about an upcoming event or life changing experience.  I love reading each and every status update involving funny stories, pictures, goings-on, and accomplishments.  I love hearing fun stories about my friends' children.  These things are my guilty pleasures.  Now, for my rant...

I have a serious problem.  It's a condition known as chronic cynicism.  This disorder has only gotten worse with age and experience.  My condition was exacerbated amidst discovery (two years into my wedded bliss) that my husband was an elusive felon.  Yeah, you read that right.  Fucker. 

Chronic cynicism caused me to post some things on facebook that made some uber-sensitive people get their granny panties in a wad. Let's take my status updates, for instance.  I know that facebook is a public outlet.  I would never intentionally post something to hurt anyone.  I take my observations and try to put a humorous twist on them.  C'mon, people.  Do you really think I hate children?  It is easy for me to make jokes about kids because I don't have them.  I have no idea what it'd be like to have a little one running around. 

Now take into consideration the demographic of people I deal with on a daily basis.  Health inspectors do not respond to complaints in wealthy, educated, clean, safe areas.  We deal with the epitome of low socio-economic populations.  We deal with Betty Lou in the trailer park wanting her head-lice infested Airstream inspected to bring in free state money, er, I mean, foster children.   I know kids are amazing.  I was one once. I was also a volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters for years. Unfortunately, in these types of homes, the worst is brought out in people.  Being surrounded by this all day, every day, leaves you slightly jaded (to say the least).  My way of dealing with this is humor. 

Facebook is supposed to be a FUN social networking site.  However, I read status updates that are so lame and pathetic, they make me want to take a dive off the Sunshine Skyway (local reference-big bridge).   Seriously?  How many times can you post in your status that you are sick?  Your stomach hurts. You just had a bloody stool. You had a baby in your pants....Okay, that last post would get my attention.  Truth is, EVERYBODY gets sick.  Here's something to think about, poopy pants: It's not the end of the freakin' world.  You are blessed enough to have a computer (or smart phone) capable of connecting you to gazillions of people around the world.  You are healthy enough to be on that said device complaining of your symptoms.  I bet the girl left a vegetable after being hit by an Amtrak wishes she could be so lucky to have said bowel movement.  Let's not mention the time spent bitching about your mud butt.  If you think positively and look at the bright side of things, life really is beautiful.  For every moment you spend crying about your ingrown armpit hair, you are missing an opportunity to witness something amazing.  Open your eyes!  Be grateful for the moments you have! 

Don't get me wrong.  I know this may sound hypocritical, as I'm sitting here "typing and griping".  Here's the difference-I am surrounded by things I love right now-the water, sunshine, my big, stinky dog...I love to write.  This is what makes me happy.  Tonight's subject just happens to be at the expense of some Debbie Downers, that's all. I was just hoping to put things into perspective.


I guess sometimes my humor is slightly brash.  For that, I apologize.  Again, nothing I post on facebook is serious.  If I call you a crybaby because you're upset about the fifteen feet of snow you get every winter (hello, you live in the snow belt), and you take it personally, well, then we probably shouldn't be friends anyways.  If you really think I'm going to run up and kick your little kid in the butt, you're crazy.  I post these things to make people laugh.  That's what I live for.  If I can do that at least once a day, well, my friend, it's been a good day. 

Please, stop reading this.  Go give your kids a hug (or a kick in the butt-just kidding), get a breath of fresh air, and count your blessings.  Now, smile.  You have just finished reading the most ridiculously boring and worthless blog ever written:)  Thank you!