I Hate

Inspired by my favorite radio show "Cowhead", and as seen on Tosh.0, "I hate" seems to be an easy and common theme.  I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon.  Disclaimer: Don't think for one second that I'm not grateful for all the good in my life.  This just make for easy writing.  I want to thank someone very special to me for contributing to this.  He never ceases to make me laugh.  You know who you are:)

I hate "in loving memory" stickers on cars.  Putting your third-cousin's best friend's name and date of birth and death is not going bring that person back from the dead. Seriously, everyone knows someone who has died.  It's part of living. Get over it. 

I hate the keyboard on my laptop.  It skips letters that I type.  Frequently.  If you see typos, it's not because I'm an idiot, it's because my computer was made in America by someone who doesn't speak english.

I hate finding a dog running loose.  It becomes my obligation to ensure that dog is taken care of.  I either have to capture the dog and bring it home until I find it's rightful owner, help the owner track the dog down, or wait with the dog until animal control arrives. Either way, my plans for the day are fucked. 

I hate tattoos.  I have yet to see a picture of ANYTHING, ever, that I like enough to scar it into my skin permanently.  I can't take people who have them seriously.  Especially if it's an "in loving memory" tattoo (see # 1).  If you feel the need to have one, put it somewhere that can be hidden easily (like your ass).  And could someone please tell me why it's not attractive to have a huge birthmark on your face, but a tattoo is "sexy" ? Exactly.  No difference.  Neck tats are the worst.  Really?  You have to have all seventeen of your kid's names drilled into your neck?  Just look at their birth certificate if you can't remember their names.  Or stop having kids.  That's always an option. 

I hate Tommy Bahama.  Tommy Bahama translates into, "Dumbass, you really overpaid for this cotton t-shirt".  And wearing Tommy Bahama apparrel does not make you a boat captain, or Jimmy Buffett.  You're just some douche who is trying to impress people with your ignorance of overspending.  News flash: a small child in a sweat shop in Nicaragua just died.  Enjoy your expensive shirt.

I hate "watch out for motorcycles" bumper stickers.  Thanks for the reminder.  I will try not to T-bone one while I'm reading your bumper sticker.

I hate "baby on board" stickers.  Thanks for letting me know.  I will try not to cuss when I get road rage and punch you in the throat.  I'd hate for your baby to hear me swear.

I hate people who listen to music on their phones in public with no ear phones.  Nobody else wants to hear Lil Weezy while grocery shopping (okay, actually, I do).  Get some ear buds. 

I hate the person in line in front of me in a deli who is ordering for the entire office of 350 employees.  307 of which have food allergies and special requests. 

I hate when people fall asleep in meetings, I look at them, they wake up, and get mad at me for staring at them.  It's funny.  You drool.

I hate when I'm conversing with someone, they fart loudly, and carry on the conversation like nothing happened.  I'm going to laugh.  Don't expect me not to notice.  I'm like, 8 years old.

I hate that Moose waits until there's five people watching him before he takes a dump.  That's a great conversation starter.

I hate Salt Life stickers and Guy Harvey products.  This stuff used to be awesome.  Until people who have never seen a fish outside of a kaiser roll, got a hold of them. 

I hate bicyclists who ride in herds down Gulf Blvd. and expect you to drive behind them.  Your shirts are dumb.  And expensive.  This isn't the Tour De France. You're not being sponsored to go on Sunday joy rides. Wear a regular t-shirt.  They're cheaper, and if I run you over, they're easier to replace once they're blood stained.

I hate that the Jehova's Witnesses sent me a hand written envelope containing a promotional flyer for Jesus.  I didn't realize Jesus had a promoter now.  And if you're going to try to recruit me, spell my name correctly, stupid.

I hate people on Facebook that post religion - based statuses.  That's great, but I'm pretty sure God isn't checking his facebook account all that often.  If you're trying to suck up and get into the "pearly gates", try doing good in your community, not just preaching bible verses.  If I want to read that, I'll pick up a bible. 

I hate people who take me seriously.  Life is too short.  Pull the stick out of your ass and laugh a bit.  It feels good.  And if you are offended by my last "I hate", get over it.  Jesus obviously has a sense of humor.  I mean, look around.  Even God is laughing.