Deep in Thought (Not Really)

I'm sure that everyone is tired of my "I hates", so I gave it a different title.  Kind of like false advertising, but not.  I didn't even realize I had quite enough material for another rant, but as I'm sitting here, staring at the water, my mind started going. 

I hate parents who don't teach their children to NEVER run up to a dog and start petting it.  I am a responsible pet owner, and my dog is always on a short leash, as well as under my voice command.  My dog not only looks mean, he IS mean.  He tried to eat my face.  So, go ahead, let your kid run up to him.  Just don't get pissed at me when I yell at your child to back off.  Perhaps a leash should be in your kid's future as well.

I hate people who haul a truck load of shit to the beach.  It's the beach.  It is a place of simplistic beauty.  How relaxed can you possibly be knowing you have to haul six coolers, two shovels, eight beach chairs of varying heights, a canopy, an umbrella, a rebel flag, a 6-cd Sony stereo, a pack of smokes, twenty two bags of arm floaties, rafts, sunscreen, deep tanning oil, lip balm, ass balm, sunglasses, towels, buckets, nets, fishing poles, bait, cameras, phones, condoms (just in case), books, magazines, sand castle making gear, a caribou, four life jackets, grandma, and thirteen kids?  Sounds like a blast.  Shit.  You forgot your beach blanket.  I know of these people because they flock to set up camp four feet from my measly towel and shorts. 

I hate people who ask me why I don't have children.  My response to you is, "It's because I'm selfish.  I don't feel like coming home to deal with whining and tantrums.  I don't feel like cleaning a shitty diaper.  I don't feel like being responsible for the rest of my life when my kid turns out to be a crack head.  I don't feel like having to take family vacations to Disney, or Smurfs on Ice.  I don't feel like sitting up all night worrying about why my 11-year old daughter isn't home from her date with the 16 year-old.  I love my life.  I come and go as I please.  I don't have to be responsible for how someone else turns out.  That's why I don't have kids.  Oh, and mind your own God Damned business."

I hate people who ask me if I'm married, then reply, "I'm sorry" when I say I'm divorced.  Why are you sorry?  I'm not a widow ( I would have been if I stuck around long enough to kill him-that's a joke, people.  I'd never harm anyone.)  I didn't cry when you asked me that question.  Why not say, "Congratulations"?  I'm free to come and go as I please, and I'm fine with that.  I'm sorry for you.  You're obviously stuck in a time where divorce was unacceptable and a woman could never make it without her husband. 

I hate people who compliment me, and then feel the need to ask how much the item they're complimenting cost.  Again, this is none of your business.  I will answer you, but not truthfully.  "Oh, this old thing?  I picked this up at the flea market.  Paid $900 for it.  The vendor told me it was the real deal.  He said Louis Vuitton changed the spelling of his name to Louie Vitton.  It's a collector edition."

I hate people that think their children are the cutest thing in the world.  Let's just be honest here.  Every single kid looks exactly alike to me.  Throw me in a room with 100 babies (actually, don't), and I won't be able to tell any of them apart.  This is probably why I don't work in the nursery at the hospital.  There would be all kinds of baby mix-ups going on.  I never know what to say when someone shows me a picture of their baby.  I fake enthusiasm, and usually say something like, "Oh my gosh, she looks just like you!"  When in all actuality, I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, that baby looks just like every other baby I've ever seen!"

I hate people who feel the need to comment on my eating patterns.  I work out.  A lot.  I don't believe in depriving my body of whatever it craves.  Moderation is the key.  So the next time you see me eating a caramel, banana, hot fudge, marshmallow walnut, peanut butter, ice cream waffle sandwich, turn and look the other way.  Life is too short to not indulge every now and again.  I don't care how much sodium is in my turkey.  If it tastes good, I'll eat it.  I will never criticize your reasons for not eating meat.  I respect that decision.  I also, however, respect my decision to order the 14oz. T-bone steak, instead of the 22oz. 

I hate people who Facebook fight.  This is when they talk shit in their status about a friend or family member, said person comments back angrily, and an all-out virtual battle begins.  As much as I enjoy the laugh, how lame are you?  There's a tv show for that.  It's called Ricki Lake (you thought I was going to say Springer, huh?)  I'm pretty sure social networking sites aren't meant for social feuding.  There's a time for family fights.  It's called Thanksgiving.  Or weddings.  Hell, sometimes even funerals.  How about growing a pair and actually confronting the person face-to-face?  Maybe that's not quite dramatic enough. 

I hate skin tags. 

I hate that Activia yogurt doesn't do what the commercial says.  I don't feel the need to move my hand in a downward motion over my belly when I eat it.  How does moving your hand in a downward motion over your belly aide in digestion, anyways?  Is it a magical power?