Random Thoughts

Someone asked me not too long ago, "What are you thinking about?"  Ha ha, buddy!  It's a good thing you're not a shrink.  I decided to write out some of my thoughts throughout a typical day in the life of Egg.  Enjoy.

• Man, I wish I wasn't obsessed with eating dates.  They're so fuckin' good.  I could eat a whole container.  Oh hell.  The last time I ate a whole container of dates, I pooped for 48 hours straight.  I think I'll just have one or two.  It's Sunday.  Maybe if this was a Friday, I'd sacrifice my weekend.
• I don't think "I've got the moves like Jagger" is a good thing, Maroon 5.  Isn't Mick Jagger like, 86 years old?  Perhaps you've got the bowel moves like Jagger...Wait, that's me when I eat an entire container of dates. 
• Ah.  "I didn't know I was Pregnant" is on TV.  God, this show creeps me out.  There's no possible way I could be prego, yet every time I see this, I panic.  Oh my god!  I'm craving pickled beets.  And lamb shanks.  Is it possible?  No way.  Ugh.  Oh my god!  Is that a contraction?  Oh, I just ate too many dates.  Phew. 
• My hands still stink from handling dead shrimp.  I'm glad I set all the live ones in my bait bucket free.  One even swam back around to thank me.  Right before the catfish got him.
• Who the hell sent me a subscription to "Good Housekeeping"?  This magazine sucks.  I don't need to look younger.  I don't need to organize my kitchen. I'm not incontinent. I don't care why Merideth Viera left whatever show she was on.   Who is Meredith Viera, anyway?  Oh, who cares?
• Being a trucker would be cool.  I wonder if I could do that part time?  I already have the mouth of a trucker.  I'm halfway there. 
• Why are my neighbors always soaking wet?  I've never seen them with dry hair.  I've lived next to them for over a year.  What gives? 
• I wonder how Kate's doing?
• I wish Kate lived closer.  I miss her.   
• Why is Moose so skinny?  Everytime he looks at me, it seems as though Sarah McLaughlin's "Arms of an Angel" should be playing in the background.  People probably think I starve him.
• Why does Oprah Winfrey have to have her face smeared on everything?  She's so vain.  I think she has good intentions.  I don't know.  I don't care. 
• Why is psoriasis preventing this woman on this commercial from hanging out with her friends?  Why is she taking this prescription for psoriasis that may cause tumors?  I'd much rather have dry skin than a 43 pound tumor hanging off my neck.  Is psoriasis that life-altering that you take a chance with a prescription?  I should google that. 
• Oh my god!  This girl on TV is changing her baby's diaper on the kitchen counter!  Why is she doing that?  Holy shigella, batman.  I need to wash my hands again.
• Ew.  I think I inhaled too much of the bug spray today.  I hope it wards off any parasites I have internally.  Maybe I should spray Moose with it.  Naa.  He already stinks. 
• Do midget hookers charge half price?
• Wow.  Why can't I paint my nails?  Now I have to tell everyone that my non-existent 4-year old niece gave me a manicure.  Really?  Maybe I can start a trend for finger tip painting.
• My roots are dark.  I look like I work at Mosley Motel.  Hmm.  Wonder how much those girls make?  I am looking for part time work.  I could always be a nanny.  Oh, wait...kids scare me.  That won't work. 
• How can my hair be greasy, but my face dry?  They're attached. 
• Does leg hair continue to grow like head hair?  It makes sense that it would, but I've never seen anyone with braided leg hair. 

...And if you needed confirmation that I need to be Baker Acted, here it is...