It has been brought to my attention lately that perhaps a manual is required for how to treat a girl. I'm sure this manual's content will receive rebuttal from the guys, but if you're arguing any of our points, you've already been crossed off our list, so who cares?
After a recently ended relationship, Lab Barbie made a list of what she wanted (and didn't want) in her next go-round. Hence, the manual below.
Lab Barbie and I were raised in homes with strong family bonds. In laymen's terms, we are daddy's girls. No, that does not make us those spoiled bitches that go crying to daddy when the credit card in his name has been maxed out from buying that fabulous pair of Christian Louboutins. It makes us the best kind of girls - the daddy's girls who were taught survival skills, how to change a tire - or for that matter, how to build a car. It made us the kind of girls who know how to work hard, because there are no hand-outs for anything worth having. It made us the kind of girls who stand up for what we believe in, and won't back down. It made us the kind of girls that are strong and independent.
Evidently, this is intimidating to some. Don't let it intimidate you. We are just two hot blondes with killer dance skills, great jobs, and no children. We have our shit together, dammit. We are well past our drink-all-night-party life, and into our mellow, quality time with friends. We are adventurous with common sense, and believe kindness will get you farther than phoniness. If you think we are full of ourselves (which we have been told), then we probably shouldn't be talking anymore. We have worked our asses off to establish ourselves, so I think we deserve bragging rights occasionally.
Now, on to the manual...
- Our doors should always be opened for us. I know, it's a little old-school, but it's how we were raised, so make yourself useful and do it. Here is the rebuttal we will hear on this, "Hurr Hurr! If you're so independent, open your own door". Gladly. I will open my door, close it behind me, and lock it. With you on the outside. Oh, and don't call me again. EVER.
- Tattoos are fine. As long as they do not involve a dragon. Or a dagger. Unless this tattoo is symbolic of the dragon you slayed in 1988, you shouldn't have it. Also, unless you live on a Reservation, and Cochise was your father, you shouldn't have tribal art. ANYWHERE. If you do, you need to wear a loin cloth, paint your face, make arrowheads out of stone, and go gather me some dinner. If you're not a hunter, you need to take your wampum to Whole Foods and buy me a steak.
- Make sure that if you're going to argue with us, that your argument is valid and makes sense. If it doesn't, we will laugh. At your expense. For years.
- If you're posting how frequently you work out on Facebook, you had better have the results to back up your claim. Pot belly + no ass = You're doing it all wrong. You need a personal trainer. And a Facebook intervention.
- Plan a date for us. Surprise us. It doesn't have to be a trip to Paris. There is something to be said for a man who thinks enough of his lady to surprise her occasionally with a thoughtful night out. Do not take us on "welfare weekend" dates because your ex-wife is using your hard earned pay check for boob jobs, tummy tucks, and thirteen vacations. A surprise picnic in the park is romantic and sweet. When the park visits become weekly and the dining experience consists of government cheese and stale Wonder Bread, you need to learn to get creative.
- Every now and then, a simple phone call or text to say "hi" is appreciated. Just to let us know you're thinking about us. On the other hand, said text does not have to include, "where are you?" I'm pretty sure we have lived independently long enough to take care of ourselves and know where we are. We always travel with our two best friends, Smith&Wesson. We are safe and protected. It doesn't matter where we are. That's not caring, that's controlling. And you're a douche canoe.
- Man up. Don't be a pussy. You had better be okay with shooting guns, fixing cars, and getting grease under your fingernails. You are going to look really dumb when your girlfriend has to change a tire because you don't want to mess up your manicure.
- If you're dating a girl that is WAY out of your league, be grateful for what you have. Don't push her to do things for you that make you look like a dick bag.
- Your life coach should not be a man going by the name of "Trailer Park Jimmy", who rubs his beer gut for insight into your future. Obviously, he has guided you down the right path before, Mr. Poor Judgement Guy.
- Learn how to dress. Cut off jeans, acid washed Seinfeld jeans, and 1993 Eddie Vedder cargo pants is not our idea of sexy. Care enough about yourself to care for yourself.
- Be accountable for your actions. When you say you're going to do something, do it. And if you don't do it, well, we're not really surprised. After all, this isn't our first rodeo.
See? It's not that complicated. Just don't be a dick. You may end up with a girl who has her shit together, dammit.
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