Mud Butt

Please understand that nothing I say or write is ever serious.  I truly feel like the luckiest and most blessed girl on earth.  I understand that on Facebook, many people have issues with my posts. If you think I'm stupid enough to be serious about anything I post on a virtual meat market, you have issues. To my understanding, Facebook was designed to reconnect distant friends and family, and in some instances, rekindle old flames (or flamers).   FB is also the perfect way to share big news about an upcoming event or life changing experience.  I love reading each and every status update involving funny stories, pictures, goings-on, and accomplishments.  I love hearing fun stories about my friends' children.  These things are my guilty pleasures.  Now, for my rant...

I have a serious problem.  It's a condition known as chronic cynicism.  This disorder has only gotten worse with age and experience.  My condition was exacerbated amidst discovery (two years into my wedded bliss) that my husband was an elusive felon.  Yeah, you read that right.  Fucker. 

Chronic cynicism caused me to post some things on facebook that made some uber-sensitive people get their granny panties in a wad. Let's take my status updates, for instance.  I know that facebook is a public outlet.  I would never intentionally post something to hurt anyone.  I take my observations and try to put a humorous twist on them.  C'mon, people.  Do you really think I hate children?  It is easy for me to make jokes about kids because I don't have them.  I have no idea what it'd be like to have a little one running around. 

Now take into consideration the demographic of people I deal with on a daily basis.  Health inspectors do not respond to complaints in wealthy, educated, clean, safe areas.  We deal with the epitome of low socio-economic populations.  We deal with Betty Lou in the trailer park wanting her head-lice infested Airstream inspected to bring in free state money, er, I mean, foster children.   I know kids are amazing.  I was one once. I was also a volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters for years. Unfortunately, in these types of homes, the worst is brought out in people.  Being surrounded by this all day, every day, leaves you slightly jaded (to say the least).  My way of dealing with this is humor. 

Facebook is supposed to be a FUN social networking site.  However, I read status updates that are so lame and pathetic, they make me want to take a dive off the Sunshine Skyway (local reference-big bridge).   Seriously?  How many times can you post in your status that you are sick?  Your stomach hurts. You just had a bloody stool. You had a baby in your pants....Okay, that last post would get my attention.  Truth is, EVERYBODY gets sick.  Here's something to think about, poopy pants: It's not the end of the freakin' world.  You are blessed enough to have a computer (or smart phone) capable of connecting you to gazillions of people around the world.  You are healthy enough to be on that said device complaining of your symptoms.  I bet the girl left a vegetable after being hit by an Amtrak wishes she could be so lucky to have said bowel movement.  Let's not mention the time spent bitching about your mud butt.  If you think positively and look at the bright side of things, life really is beautiful.  For every moment you spend crying about your ingrown armpit hair, you are missing an opportunity to witness something amazing.  Open your eyes!  Be grateful for the moments you have! 

Don't get me wrong.  I know this may sound hypocritical, as I'm sitting here "typing and griping".  Here's the difference-I am surrounded by things I love right now-the water, sunshine, my big, stinky dog...I love to write.  This is what makes me happy.  Tonight's subject just happens to be at the expense of some Debbie Downers, that's all. I was just hoping to put things into perspective.


I guess sometimes my humor is slightly brash.  For that, I apologize.  Again, nothing I post on facebook is serious.  If I call you a crybaby because you're upset about the fifteen feet of snow you get every winter (hello, you live in the snow belt), and you take it personally, well, then we probably shouldn't be friends anyways.  If you really think I'm going to run up and kick your little kid in the butt, you're crazy.  I post these things to make people laugh.  That's what I live for.  If I can do that at least once a day, well, my friend, it's been a good day. 

Please, stop reading this.  Go give your kids a hug (or a kick in the butt-just kidding), get a breath of fresh air, and count your blessings.  Now, smile.  You have just finished reading the most ridiculously boring and worthless blog ever written:)  Thank you!