Advice from your Neighborhood Health Inspector

I decided after almost seven years of working in the wonderful public sector, it was time to provide you with some insight into what to do when a health inspector comes into your facility.  Actually, these are things you should NEVER do in the presence of a health inspector. I only mention these items because these are all things I've encountered:

• It is not okay to keep a fish tank in your kitchen on a shelf with your bread.  Please do not tell me it was a gift from a patron.  I don't care if the pope bought you a jew fish, it does not belong in a kitchen. 
• When I enter your facility and ask for access to the kitchen, don't reply, "well, it's just a kitchen."  I know.  That's why I want to see it.  Stalling me while speaking loudly enough to notify your kitchen staff to put on hair nets, sweep the rats under the fridge, and  remove the fecal matter from the light switch is not going to make your inspection go any easier. 
• When you know your kitchen is infested with German roaches, don't flip on the kitchen lights upon my arrival and act appalled and disgusted by the greasy little fuckers scurrying across your stove, counter, and room temperature chicken salad. 
• I have no problem with you following me and asking questions.  It is my job to educate you on the importance of washing your hands after you poop.  However, please give me enough personal space to not feel and smell your hot garbage breath in my left ear.
• Also, if you're following me around, and actually involved in what I'm explaining or looking at, fine.  If you're following me around, making excuses for everything I look at (even when I don't find a violation), you're instantaneously guilty in my eyes.  I will nit pick you to death. 
• Do not tell me "Oh, well, I'm healthy" or start coughing, or tell me about all the rats and roaches you're hiding.  I've been an inspector for almost seven years.  I have heard those lines at least 5,731 times.  You're not funny.  Know what's funny?  Nothing you'd be familiar with, you humorless ass clown.  How about being original.
• NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, argue with me about whether a cockroach is dead or alive.  If you really want to fail your inspection, pick up the "dead" cockroach with your bare hands and try to bring it over to show me.  See what happens.  I promise you're leaving with one less testicle.  The last client who did this did not pass inspection.  Nor does he need that vasectomy.  Just sayin'. 
• Do not wait until after I enter an assisted living facility resident's room to tell me that she gets angry and throws shit.  No, literally, she shits herself and throws it. This may be humorous to you....Eh, actually, it's pretty fuckin' funny to me, too.  Especially since she had bad aim. 
• Do not wear your rubber gloves while picking your nose over the lasagna you're preparing. 
• While talking about rubber gloves, let's get something straight.  Don't complain to me about a kitchen employee not wearing gloves.  Gloves are fucking disgusting.  They give you a false sense of having clean hands.  You don't (see above bullet).  There is no substitute for washing your hands frequently.  If you don't feel like your hands are dirty, you're less likely to wash them.  Watch someone wearing gloves next time you're out to eat.  I promise you, they're touching their faces, texting, counting money, or grabbing their package.  All without changing their gloves.  
• It is never okay to serve chili in a bar not licensed to serve food.  Period.  Especially not chili with live maggots crawling through it.  Oh, also, when confronted about said chili, it is not okay to call me a little bitch.  Rice does not move, and nobody puts rice in chili, you stupid fuck. 
• It is never okay to remove your only sink-in the entire facility-while you're serving food.  Also, don't lie and say your staff is going to the neighboring building to wash their hands.   
• Do not mistake your health inspector for your 10:00AM interview.  Especially not when I show up with a badge and clipboard.  And you are interviewing for a stripper position.  I know you probably have candidates show up in costume, but this isn't mine.  I have a job to do, and today, that job just happens to be inspecting your fine tittie bar.  Besides, when I interview for that position, I like to wear my rubber cat woman suit. 
• Don't hide 25 pounds of raw, room temperature pork in the oven when you hear I'm in the building.  I'm an inspector.  They pay me the big bucks to look in every nook and cranny.  I'm going to find the 8 pigs you slaughtered. 
• While we're on the subject of pigs....When you have an unlicensed pig roast at your bar, be sure you immediately destroy the evidence.  I still have nightmares about that pig head inside the beer cooler, at eye level, staring back at me.  Sorry your bar is out of business now. 
• Don't offer to pierce your inspector's tongue for free.  You own a body piercing/tanning salon in one room.  And, you're a sex predator.  Good luck with that, douchebag.
• When a sewage line underneath your assisted living facility breaks, and that break is right under your kitchen, it is not alright if you continue to work around the two inches of turds sloshing around on the kitchen floor.  It's time to order Hungry Howie's. 
• It is not okay for you to leave the aforementioned kitchen floor in that condition for an extended period of time.  It is never going to be cool with your health inspector for you to just hang out, making fruit salad and what not. 
• Don't hug your health inspector.  It's really kind of gross, and extremely uncomfortable.  I'm obviously a germiphobe, and, well, you smell like dirty feet and unwashed hair. 
• Don't ask me out on a date.  The answer is no.  The answer will still be no at your next inspection. 
• Don't ask me to get you a beer.  I'm not the new bartender.  It's 9:00AM.  Why are you here and not working, anyways?
• Don't ask me if you can swim in a pool after I put up a large metal sign that says, "Pool Closed".  Sure.  Have at it.  Just try to swim around the turds floating in the deep end.  I like swimming in a giant toilet, too!
• Don't call in a complaint about pool water giving you a rash, have me investigate, and while I'm investigating, you're swimming in the implicated pool.  You're right.  My time isn't very valuable.  Keep swimming.  Enjoy your rash.
• Don't schedule me to come inspect your foster home two weeks in advance if you're not planning on cleaning. 
• Don't ask me to come inspect your foster home after 5:00PM, because that's when you get off work.  Guess what, those pukey little kids you're going to be caring for are not going to wait until 5:00PM to shit their pants at school.  You'd better learn a little flexibility, bitch.