Egg's Secrets to a Happy Life

I have been looking for inspiration to write lately.  I miss it.  I wouldn't necessarily refer to it as "writer's block" as much as I would "out of ideas".  While out on my morning run, I started feeling those creative juices flowing.  Turns out, it was just sweat.  Either way, the sweat inspired me.  It's difficult to write these ideas down while mid-sprint, so I told Quaker, my beloved pit bull, to remember what I said.

People sometimes refer to me as annoyingly happy and bubbly.  I've been asked how I can be this way without the influence of crack cocaine, which is how I used to do it.  I'm kidding.  I've never tried crack.  It's whack.  I decided to document, in blog form, what makes me so God damned bubbly.  Perhaps it will inspire some of you. Or, at the very least, inspire you to have me Baker Acted.

• Every morning, my Jawbone UP vibrates and wakes me between 5:00 and 5:10.  Let me start there.  If you're looking to change your life, invest in a Jawbone UP.  This wristband stalks you.  It monitors every move you make, and, like that psychopath ex-boyfriend, watches you while you sleep.  It senses your sleep patterns, and awakens you when you're in your light sleep, so you're not jolted out of that REM cycle in which you were kissing Valentino by a crystal blue Italian stream.  My gentle awakening triggers Quaker to remove his stank ass from my face (where he strategically places it as soon as I commence snoring) and replace it with his not-much-better-dog breath.   We snuggle for ten minutes before I spring out of bed, limp to the kitchen (I'm not injured, I just like to walk like a pimp), and start my coffee.  While the coffee is brewing, I throw on my workout gear.
•  I believe you have to sweat like a ho in church.  Everyday.  That means exercise.  Reports suggest that it takes three weeks to form a habit.  That's 21 days.  In the grand scheme of things, that's only 21 days of your whole entire life.  Make the commitment and sweat.  You won't regret it. 
• After my morning workout, I come home, pour myself a cup of coffee, and step out onto my dock.  I spend one minute (or more, if I'm not late for work) for affirmations.  I consider affirmations to be like prayer.  I basically thank my angels for watching out for me (poor things, they work hard for me everyday), for all the blessings in my life, and send positive energy to those whom I know need it.  I smile, take a deep breath, exhale my negative thoughts, and carry on with my day. It's one minute of silence. Shut your flapper for one minute and appreciate what's around you. That's all.  
• I get ready for work, pour my second cup of coffee, and drive to work with my country music blasting.  I sing along as loudly as possible.  Why?  Because I fucking can.  Sure, I get some funny looks every now and then, but if I make the uptight, unhappy business man in the Lexus next to me chuckle - even for a second - he still smiled.  Maybe he'll even roll up into his corner office and tell his uptight, unhappy business man friends and make them laugh, too...Which leads me to my next bullet point...
• Don't be afraid to be laughed at.  People are going to laugh at you anyways, no matter what you do.  You can either accept it and laugh with them, or take it personally and let it shrivel you up from the inside like a prune.  Give them reasons to laugh. We need more of that shit.  God knows I unintentionally give people a ton of reasons.  Daily. I'm perfectly fine with that.  You should be, too.  Nobody likes an uptight asshole.
• Don't let your failures - or as I like to call them, your "unsuccesses"- define you.  Ever hear that old adage, "Fall down seven times, stand up eight"?  Yeah.  Because, in order to have an unsuccess, you have to first make an attempt.  So good for you for trying.  Now pick your ass up, dust yourself off, and try again, bitch.  You're not dead, dammit.  Quit crying and making yourself a victim, and change your situation.  Nobody likes a pussy.  
• And while you're at it, keep your chin up and a positive attitude.  The more negative energy you surround yourself with, the more you take in.  That holds true for positive vibes, as well.  So the person next to you just scored a promotion, has perky boobs, and a million dollars.  You can hate her, or you can say, "Damn girl, look at you, all successful and shit.  Good job.  Congratulations.  You deserved that, and nice tits, by the way."  Find the positive in all situations, like when you get called to HR for making the "nice tits" comment.  Even if it requires some creativity.  Or imagination.  
• Never stop learning.  Read.  A lot.  It exercises your imagination.  It's like brain boot camp.  It doesn't matter if you're reading shit like Twilight.  At least you're reading.  
• Be kind.  No matter what.  Know that everyone you meet is fighting a battle of some sort.  Everyone has a story.  Being kind is good for your heart.  You've had bad days.  You know how it feels when everything seems to go wrong (see above bullet about changing your way of thinking).  Maybe that guy who just flipped you the bird has to poop really bad.  You never know.  Just wave back and send positive thoughts that he finds a bathroom soon.  Do something nice for someone.  Say something encouraging.  You may just change someone's whole outlook on life.  
• Learn to be independent.  I personally, am probably a little too independent.  My time to myself is my favorite time.  Learn to do things for yourself. Sure, basic survival skills like foraging and hunting are good, but know how to change a tire, or repair a washing machine.  Don't count on anyone else.  This way, you're never disappointed.  I love my time to myself.  I prefer it.  I long for it. It's called "character building time".  
• You're never going to be able to make everyone happy.  You are responsible for one person's actions: YOURS.  Be true to yourself.  You have to do what makes your soul happy.  Those around you will either grow from your happiness, or be deterred.  If they are deterred, they weren't meant to be a long-term part of your life.  Look at it as experience and move forward.  Those other people will maybe someday find their happiness.  And even if they don't, THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.  Keep looking forward.
• You don't have to be surrounded by people every waking hour.  Have quality friends, not a quantity of friends.  It's great to have friends and loved ones.  It's great to be surrounded by them - sometimes.  But, don't let other people define you.  Don't drown in other's personalities.  Find your own.  Spend time alone to really find yourself.  It is only then that you truly learn to love yourself.  
• Don't settle.  You want something?  Fucking do it!  There's nothing stopping you, and if there is, get it the fuck out of your way.  "I'm just going to sit here and hope for something to happen."  Bullshit.  Make it happen.  If you settle, you will never find true happiness.  Work your ass off if you need to.  It'll be worth it.  
• Speaking of working your ass off, do that shit.  When you work your ass off for something, you appreciate it more.  Nothing worth having is given to you.  You have to work for it.  I bust my ass at three jobs so I can live comfortably.  I'm not counting on anyone else to pay those bills and build a savings account for me.  Do it yourself.
• Lastly, but probably most importantly, love yourself.  You have to love yourself fully to truly be happy.  Embrace the wonderful person you are, and flaunt it.  By doing so, your positive energy shines, and radiates to those who need it. 

I'm sure that some of you will think this sounds selfish.  That's fine.  You're entitled to your opinions.  Just know that I'm also entitled to mine.  I'm wishing you all a happy new year.  May it be filled with blessings in too much abundance to count.  God bless.